I'm Robyn, I'm 21 and although I'd like to see myself as some sort of budding journalist, I actually can't write for shit. Which is why I have a Tumblr.

23rd March 2012

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Will the rising cost of alcohol save us from our binge-drinking selves?


The Home Secretary, Theresa May, wants to raise the minimum price of alcohol to 40p per unit. Is it going to stop us from drinking too much?

Ahem.

Stick a pair of glasses on her and it’s practically me…


We are all binge drinkers

Five minutes on the Drink Aware website is enough to depress me for the rest of the day. Apparently, being a woman, my recommended daily intake of alcohol is 2-3 units.

Binge drinking therefore, is drinking more than 6 units of alcohol, equivalent to two large glasses of wine.  

 

Eep, well that makes everyone I know over the age of 17 a binge drinker. I think the issue with the label “binge drinker” is that it conjures up the image of a group of chavvy wankers getting wasted at some crappy Wetherspoons on Carling and Sambuca, and beating the crap out of each other. This image works for both sexes, but is slightly more unpleasant on the female side because A) society thinks that female binge drinkers are the depiction of the death of civilisation, whereas male bingers are a fact of life and B) it involves more hair pulling, which makes my skin crawl.

 

Truth is, we all binge drink, just as most of us binge eat every now and again (nobody needs an entire take away pizza to themselves. Don’t tell me you’ve never eaten that much…liar!). We’d all be a lot healthier if we stuck to the recommended amount of units; but then again we’d all be a lot healthier if we stopped drinking caffeine, ate more fruit and veg and less fat and jogged more. And most of us are not going to do that. I’m certainly not. So, will this extortionate rise on the price of booze make us want to stop binging?

 

An extra one-fifty

To demonstrate this price-rise in real terms (who thinks about pence per unit when buying booze), I’ll demonstrate using a bottle of Lambrini, as that’s the kind of cheap shit the government seems to want to crack down upon. I’m not totally against this…

 

A 75cl bottle of Lambrini is about £1.50, depending on where you buy it (the price rises for the flavoured ones, such as Bubbly – which is so sophisticated it comes with its own cork!*). If the price per unit was to rise to 40p, then this bottle of alcoholic piss would now cost £3.00 (the percentage of Lambrini is 7.5). Considering that this is double its normal cost, will this extortionate price turn people off of bingeing on cheap booze?

Think of all those chav babies

Fuck off, will it. For £3.00 the most you could get in a pub is a pint or a spirit and a mixer. One of the issues Theresa May addressed about binging is people buying cheap booze and “pre-loading” before they go out. But if cheap booze is still going to be cheaper than pub booze, then people are still going to use it as a binge drinking money saver. If I had it my way I’d just take shit like Lambrini, white cider, Red Square (vodka so shit it gave me heart palpitations) etc off the shelves, but then I’m a bit snobbish. The point is that this new government legislation, if it passes, is nothing more than good publicity. It makes them look like they’re doing something when in fact the difference between £1.50 and £3.00 is not going to solve society’s binge drinking related ills.

 

I mean… I don’t know what will. But we all know that this is bollocks.


Sources:

The Guardian

Drink Aware


*I discovered this by going onto the Lambrini website which is by far the most depressing thing I’ve seen on the internet. Props to them for trying so hard to make Lambrini look sophisticated though, I wonder how much they paid the pretty girls on the website to be seen in the same vicinity as this chav-baby-making-juice. 

Tagged: alcoholtheresa maylambrinicheap boozealcohol

22nd November 2011

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Facebook horoscope #2

Before I launch into another incredibly witty entry, I’d like to make a request to my dear Tumblr friends… Bloody write something, reblogged pictures are not entries. I wouldn’t say this if I didn’t love you and didn’t think you were interesting and intelligent people. Or perhaps I’m just saying this because I’m a bit sad and think people could be interested in my writing and I want you to join me, join the illusion my friends!

….I’m so lonely.


Anyway, more incredible insights:

Tuesday 22nd November


Your work will be put to the test today. There is no reason to be nervous, provided you can demonstrate sound knowledge.


Right you are my friend, why only this morning I had to put my knowledge of feminism and prostitution to the test by pretending to be a call-girl a la Belle de Jour (meaning arguing from that perspective, not screwing people for money and being played by Billie Piper).


You will also be tested in your private life. In this case you should defend your own viewpoint.


Diary of a London Call Girl sucks balls. As does she.


Never lose sight of the actual goal, even if many decisions are difficult to make. You can overcome your physical indisposition by taking a rest. Life is not a competition – you don’t always have to be at the front.


True, you can be on your back, or on your knees, or leaning on the bed. (I know I am the only one who’ll find that funny).

In actual fact, this last bit leaves me feeling slightly philosophical. What is the actual goal? That implies that it knows I am already working towards a specific goal right this minute. All I’m doing now is killing time in the Mason Lounge by typing this shit out. Perhaps that is my destiny. I shall not be dissuaded, I shall not be distracted, I shall not-….. does this font really work for my page? Should I change from a black-and-white-theme to a white-and-black theme….?



I’m hungry.

21st November 2011

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Facebook horoscope #1

Facebook has been kind enough to send me my horoscope every single day, without me even asking. Isn’t that sweet? For a while all that came up was my star sign, Aries, with the only text below it being “false”, which I found rather funny. But lo and behold it’s actually started telling me stuff now. Whenever I can be arsed, I’ll be posting my horoscope here on Tumbler and proving how impressively accurate it is.

Monday 21st November

You have been stopped completely in the midst of achieving your goals. Do not lie disappointed on the floor any longer, hoping for pity.

I tried lying on the floor for a bit but it’s much too cold in my house. Also it was quite depressing.. I really need to hoover my room. 

Pick yourself up and continue to follow your dreams – even if they must be changed slightly.

I have really weird dreams. Last night’s dream saw me attempting to wear a hollowed out aubergine as a hat. I’ll wait until tomorrow to realise my dreams, hopefully I’ll have that dream where I can fly again. 

Don’t act rashly and save your energy. If you see this problem as a challenge then soon nothing else will stand in your way.

I always save energy, I don’t even know how to turn our central heating on. Also I hate to be challenged, but I suppose nothing will stand in my way if I use a chainsaw. 

See, pure (almost) prophetic genius. See you tomorrow, imaginary readers who exist in my head. 

29th May 2011

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Lonely Hearts

This was a fake Lonely Hearts article I wrote ages ago an promptly forgot about. Maybe because it wasn’t that good. However, I’m trying to start posting things on this Tumblr and my depressingly bare LiveJournal again and I believe the first step to that is it.. recycle shit from 6 months ago. Enjoy!

Are you single and looking for love? Well… I’m not, but I’ll settle for a decent shag.

Actually, that’s not a good start.

Okay, let me introduce myself. I’m female, I’m twenty years old – not quite jailbait, but still not past my prime – and I’m a student, aspiring journalist and future shelf stacker. I want someone with a G.S.O.H. Actually, I’ve always hated that acronym and all it stands for. First of all, it’s lazy. I have no time for people who can’t even be bothered to write (or sometimes even say!) the full four words out properly. Secondly, a good sense of humour is relative. Some people think Jim Davidson has a good sense of humour. I would like to eliminate those people as potential candidates mostly because they’re probably unfunny bigots, but also it’s likely they’re over the age of forty. I’m still a good decade or so from worrying about getting wrinkles myself, I don’t need to pass the time by counting someone else’s. Young stallions only please.

Actually, that’s a terrible phrase. Sounds like I’m into horses. I could draw the wrong sort of people wording things like that.

I would like to request someone of a high level of intelligence, but I am writing into Lonely Hearts so… never mind. In that case, I had better scrap my no-wrinkles policy. If it’s a choice between being shallow and arrogant or not being lonely; well you already know where this is going. So, okay… I would like to meet (or W.L.T.M if I must conform to the Lonely Hearts standard) someone who has a higher I.Q. than a monkey, and is slightly more attractive. Please. God, let there be someone out there who fits that description and is willing to grace me with their presence for limited periods of time.

I suppose I had better go into more detail about myself. I’m not exactly ugly, but I’m also not a contender for Miss World. Or even Miss Birmingham. Most of the time my appearance is lazy and unkempt, but I make up for it by not being obese or having too many unsightly facial features. That being said, I don’t take compliments well, so either way you can’t win. But that doesn’t mean I don’t expect them. Welcome to the conundrum of the mind of the average woman, lonely men. This may be where you’ve been going wrong all these years.

I don’t have a lot of money; most of the time I survive on a diet of noodles and nicotine. As a result I have low expectations on the cost of dates and gifts. That being said, if you are a millionaire tycoon who happens to have stumbled upon a long enough dry spell to lead you to these ghastly pages, then feel free to take me away from student poverty and sweep me off my feet – I can ignore any lack of personality or looks. That being said… most millionaires are tight fisted wankers… hmm… okay, a comfortably off middle class will do. Or a comfortably off working class man. Or a man. Any man. I throw myself upon your mercy, Lonely Hearts readers. It’s been so long… Where are the drunk desperate fuckers when you need them? If the guests on Jeremy Kyle can fuck like rabbits, why can’t I?

So there you have it. W.L.T.M man. Of any description.

Or woman. Don’t care anymore. Thank you for your time. 

Tagged: Lonely Hearts

15th March 2011

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Cooking With Church

This is Cooking With Church

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LA3UdQRc0n4

(or at least the first episode)

It’s a show made a few years ago featuring the band Still Remains, as the guitarist Mike Church teaches you episode by episode how to cook a bit of a fancy meal.

On Sunday I’ll be making all of this (at Dave’s instruction).. wish me luck!

Tagged: Still RemainsCooking With ChurchFood

21st February 2011

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People Who I Hate #1: Supermarket shoppers

If working in retail and waitressing has taught me anything, it is that people are self-entitled and they want what they want when they want it, whatever the situation. And nowhere else am I more reminded of this than in the supermarket.

The Tesco by Broad Street is incredibly badly designed; you have to work your way through the pharmacy and the clothes section to get to what you came for, you know, the food. It is almost maze like and very narrow, so co-ordinating your way through it is something of a chore. That is not improved any by stupid people who will park their trolley in the middle of an aisle for a lifetime to consider what flavour yoghurt to get.. or perhaps having an existential moment; I don’t know. And I don’t care. Move it, now.

I find myself getting quite violent and angry at a lot of people in my head when I’m food shopping, which is slightly scary but also a little satisfying at the same time. Like the group of basket swingers walking really slowly in front of me, taking their time to smell the fucking roses. Or the mothers who stand around unawares, have a nice chin-wag whilst their unruly spawn leg it around the place like Tesco is the new Wacky Warehouse; so I’m left with a choice of ram the little fuckers with my trolley, or come to a sudden stop several times; holding me up and keeping me in this place much longer than I can mentally stand. It is not fair to give me only those options, I shouldn’t have to have my morals tested every time I pop out for vegtables and Relentless.

If I ever get my own way - which I won’t because life is a constant stream of annoyance, and if it wasn’t I wouldn’t have anything to write/complain about - there will be two lanes in a supermarket: one for people who want to get shit done, and one for people who treat shopping for potatoes as a social event. They can all amble along wasting their lives under the fluorescent lighting whilst I will skip in and out in a matter of minutes, and then merrily continue on with my day. But that’s just a dream..

I really need to get out more. To places other than Tesco…

Tagged: people who I hatesupermarkettesco

1st February 2011

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Information is Beautiful - David McCandless
This is a book I’ve wanted to buy for a while, but could never quite justify the cost to myself (£20). Finally today I relented and am very happy for it. So much random information, displayed so well and a great way to learn stuff whilst procrastinating ;).

Information is Beautiful - David McCandless

This is a book I’ve wanted to buy for a while, but could never quite justify the cost to myself (£20). Finally today I relented and am very happy for it. So much random information, displayed so well and a great way to learn stuff whilst procrastinating ;).

22nd November 2010

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Luxury

I’ve noticed lately the word ‘luxury’ is waaaay overused. Clothing, food, tissues(!) etc; anything that the company wants to desparately put across as good quality, and in reality probably isn’t that great. Whilst doing some research for uni, I came across the NatMag site (http://www.natmags.co.uk/) who claim to be: ”one of the foremost luxury consumer magazine publishers in the UK”. Um.. what? Do they use extra glossy paper or something…? Just like the luxury tissue companies, I suppose..

20th November 2010

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The Captain Obvious newspaper headline goes to... →

"Pupils will lose marks for poor grammar and spelling"

I know I’m being stupid and picky, as this article refers to GCSEs in all subjects - not just English or Lit - but it wasn’t worded very well. That’s a headline that says very slow news day.